To Look and Not Touch
by ShinkonoKokoro
Summary: Everyone knows Merlin's a crap liar. So he sets out to fix it. And maybe does too good of a job.


"Merlin, you're a terrible liar," Arthur tells him, though not in so many words. It's more the disbelieving eyebrow when he arrives late, blaming it on Gaius, and the rejoining laugh he huffs as if he's in on the joke as well.

So Merlin resolves to become a better liar.

Small steps first, he thinks as he lingers in the kitchen to talk with Miranda, purposely late with Arthur's lunch.

"Are trying to make me starve, Merlin? What took you so long?"

Merlin sets the tray down and replies, "There was a rat in the kitchens, Sire. They wanted my help to kill it."

"Your help," Arthur repeats in disbelief. Though this time, Merlin can tell, it's not the story. Arthur's once again poking fun at his lack of brawny musculature.

"Well?"

"Yes Sire?"

"Did you kill it?"

Merlin blinks and then grins, flicking his eyes towards Arthur's plate. "Of course." He's pleased when Arthur makes the connection, dropping the meat as if poisoned. "_Mer_lin."

"Yes, Sire?"

"Don't 'yes, Sire' me! _Tell_ me this isn't rat."

"It's not rat," he replies dutifully with wide eyes.

"Now tell me you weren't lying."

Merlin laughs, surprised that his first endeavour has been so successful. "It's not rat, Arthur," he calls as he heads out the door. He pauses to stick his head back through the door with an, "Or is it?" And cackles when he hears Arthur throw the food back down at his plate with a curse.

* * *

Harder to trick will be Gaius. He has the uncanny ability to see through Merlin's best attempts at deceit.

"Merlin? Where are you going?"

He's half-way across the room when the opportunity presents itself. "I'm going to help Arthur with reorganising his room."

Gaius holds his gaze, Merlin proud when he neither flushes nor drops his eyes. "Very well. But remember to be back as soon as you can—I was going to teach you about those healing remedies."

"Of course," Merlin smiles. "I'll be back as soon as Arthur's done with me."

Gaius waves him out and Merlin makes some excuse to Arthur, leaving himself with an entirely free day in which he sneaks out to the woods to practice some of the heavier magic from his book. In case he might need it.

* * *

Merlin can't really help the rush of affection for Arthur when he does stupid things. Or brave things. Or noble things. Or...really many things, actually. And it gets harder for Merlin to not blurt out how he feels. Then there was the Nimueh incident. Merlin shuffled his feet, the words threatening to come out. Instead he tells Arthur that he'll be a great king. And not to get a bootlicker for his next manservant. He sees that Arthur doesn't get it.

In the end he's glad that he kept his tongue. And smiles at Arthur the next day like nothing's wrong.

* * *

The words start tripping more easily over his tongue as he makes excuses and tells small tales to the people around him. Nothing harmful to anyone, he reasons. And he tells the truth when it matters.

There was one time, Merlin felt his lie almost give way. Arthur decided to beg off a day of meetings and training, leaving Merlin to give Uther the news. The ultimate test.

"Where's my son?" The king had demanded.

"Sire." Merlin bows. "He's had a bit of a personal issue."

"A personal issue! And how does he think that that means matters of state should just stop!"

"I'm sorry, Sire, but Prince Arthur was having some issues with subordination with one of the new knights in training, so he decided to take him beyond Camelot's walls to give him a taste of what a problem that can be in real situations."

Uther's brow lifts in a fashion that could only have come from Gaius. "Really?"

"Yes. He was quite frustrated by the whole thing."

Uther hums in acknowledgement, brow furrowed. "Very well. Tell him to see me when he gets back."

"Of course, Sire. Oh. And Arthur wanted to deal with this in his own way. He didn't want me to tell you about it, Sire, so if I could respectfully ask if-"

"Yes, yes. I won't ask him about it. Now be on your way." Uther waves him away and Merlin has to pause outside the council room doors for a dance of glee. He's gotten quite good at this.

* * *

Things change a bit as Arthur's interest in Gwen grows. Merlin can't help but feel a little shunted aside during Arthur's rather public kissing display during the Camelot re-take-over. Thus begins the lie to Arthur. It's something between them that's never spoken aloud. If it's spoken aloud, that means that it's acknowledged-real. Something to take notice of. Something to deal with. He knows that if he expresses interest, then Arthur would reciprocate or be forced to make a decision. And for the good of Camelot and their destiny, Merlin has to lie to himself.

That's harder, because he knows he's lying to himself. He rather does fancy Arthur and the noble heart that beats in his breast. But of course Crown Princes don't dally with their servants. Their male servants. So Merlin's affection goes unvoiced. He may look, but not touch. Never with the affection of a lover.

So he lies to himself.

And encourages Arthur. Be with Gwen. Gwen is sweet. Gwen has a good heart. Gwen will be a good queen.

And Merlin lies to himself.

Uther keeps a tenuous grasp on his kingship—king in name only while Arthur does most of the work. It's during this period of time that Merlin decides there's one lie that cannot keep going.

"Arthur... I wanted to talk to you if you had a moment?"

Arthur's tired, feet up on the table as he's tipped back in his chair. "Can it wait until later?"

"No. It can't. It's been...long enough."

This catches Arthur's attention and he drops his feet, shifting to look over at Merlin. "Very well then. Get it out."

Arthur's eyes on him, he can almost see the hope and Merlin shakes his head that it's not the truth that Arthur will really want. "I'm a sorcerer."

Arthur stares at him. "Merlin, this really isn't the time for jokes. I know you're trying to cheer me up and—aah!"

Merlin floats Arthur above his chair, knowing his eyes are golden.

"Shit! Merlin!" Arthur scrabbles for purchase on nothing. "I believe you! I believe you!"

Merlin slowly lowers him back into his chair.

"Shit, Merlin!"

"You didn't believe me. It was the quickest way possible," he says, a little exhausted.

Arthur only stares, eyes wide and face frozen that would be hilarious if not for the gravity of the topic. "And you..."

"All my life."

"And you..."

"Saved you more times than I can count."

"And you..."

"I'm always by your side, Arthur. I'm always here to protect you and look out for you."

Arthur stands suddenly and moves to the door, stiff-legged, where he pauses. "But you..."

Merlin lets his eyes widen and he gives him an uncertain grin. "What?"

There might be a faint flush on Arthur's cheeks, but he shakes his head. "Merlin, you're an idiot. What makes you think telling me would be a good idea?"

"You're not going to report me."

Gaping at his audacity, Arthur faces him fully. "And what makes you think that!"

Merlin grins. "You'd miss me." _You love me too_.

Arthur snorts. "You're clearly delusional." He shakes his head and then leaves Merlin alone in Arthur's room as punishment for not telling him the other omitted truth.

* * *

When Arthur married Gwen, Merlin stands by and smiles so convincingly, Gwen clasped his hands and squeezes until his bones grind together.

"Oh Merlin! I'm so happy!"

And then everything blurs together with bright colours and whirling people. Arthur appears in front of him at some point, giddy and flushed, pressing a kiss to his forehead before vanishing back into the festivities.

Uther even dances with Gwen. Gaius gave him something for the evening. To cheer him. And give him energy. Merlin may or may not have infused it with the will to have a good time. He thinks Arthur appreciates it.

The partying goes on late into the night—or early into the morning, and Merlin sneaks off to the ramparts, counting the stars. He's gone for a while—not too long, but a while, when Arthur comes stumbling up the stairs.

"Merlin! Merlin, what're you doing up here?" he slurs.

Merlin turns a smile on him. "Taking some fresh air."

"Aren't you happy for me, Merlin?" Arthur asks a bit desperately, his voice a bit desperate, eyes a bit desperate.

"Of _course_, Arthur! Brilliant. Gwen's... Gwen's perfect for you."

"Merlin, don't lie..._lie_ to me..." Arthur staggers forward, gripping Merlin's shoulders.

"I'm not," he replies quietly, tones still even and comforting. "You and Gwen are lovely. Are _you_ happy, Arthur?"

"Of course," Arthur says staunchly, drawing himself up into some constipated pose. "Gwen's... sweet. And pretty. And...a girl." He sways.

"Yes. Yes, Arthur. She _is_ a girl," Merlin replies wryly.

"Shut up, Merlin." Arthur reaches out, fingers snagging on Merlin's shirt. "You're coming back...back inside, right?"

"I'll always be by your side, Arthur. I'm just getting some air. I'll be back soon. Go enjoy your wedding party." He turns Arthur's shoulders and gives him a little push. "And don't fall on the stairs."

"Maybe you should _help_ me, _Mer_lin," Arthur teases.

Merlin rolls his eyes, letting them flash gold as Arthur is down by the gates to the main hall. People are too drunk to notice the truth tonight. None see and there is too much touching. But not for him.

* * *

Uther passed and Merlin was there to help Arthur dress and compose himself before the coronation.

"Merlin, Merlin, I can't do this," Arthur breathed looking as he normally did, the terror creasing the corner of his eyes. "Merlin, I don't think I can do this."

"So then what are you going to do?" Merlin asked with a raised eyebrow. "Are you going to run away?"

"Run away! Merlin, what's wrong with you?"

"Well," he shrugged, "those are your two options."

"They—" Arthur snapped his mouth shut. "Those aren't my only two options."

"What, allow _Morgana_ to take the throne?"

Arthur's eyes flashed. "Shut _up_, Merlin."

"Arthur, listen to me for a change. You're ready. You've always been ready. Just do it how you normally do. People respect you. Your knights respect you. They'll follow you anywhere. Everywhere. The people like you. You're ready."

Arthur looked at his feet, jaw clenching. "Will you follow me everywhere and anywhere, Merin?"

"Do you even have to ask?" Merlin replied in the same small voice. Arthur's smile showed his usual confidence. Merlin patted his shoulder and smiled in return. "Ready now, Sire?"

"Yes."

"Good. Shall we greet your people?"

"What would I do without you, Merlin..."

"Die."

"Shut up, Merlin."

* * *

Arthur's first big campaign, he reluctantly allowed Merlin to come with him.

"_Don't_ be a nuisance," Arthur hissed, passing him on his horse.

Merlin rolled his eyes and mounted up himself, following after his king. "Since when am I a nuisance?" He asked once he was even with Arthur.

"Always."

"Of course, Sire," Merlin replied easily. The sun was bright and despite the impending threat of death and violence, Merlin had a good feeling.

"Don't overstep your own importance."

"That's just the nerves talking, Arthur. Don't worry. With me, you're invincible."

Arthur turned on him, snarling, "And what happens when I _don't_ have you? What happens when you're gone?"

"Gone? Arthur, I'm not going anywhere." But his heart swelled with the unspoken need. "I promise I won't die today, Arthur."

"You can't promise something like that, Merlin. And I can't do this without you."

Merlin gave him the same smile as usual and repeated his promise.

When the fighting started, his eyes were on Arthur, but also everywhere else. He guarded himself heavily against blade and arrow, leaving himself free to focus on protecting his king.

Unfortunately, he didn't think to protect himself against fist, so when a gauntletted hand smashed into his temple, he flew off his horse, the world going black. He thought he heard Arthur calling his name and struggled to get himself off the hoove-churned ground and back on top of his horse where it was relatively safe.

"Merlin! Someone get him off the ground!"

The sounds of battle penetrated his haze—men dying, hurting, Arthur in danger—even if he couldn't get his limbs to cooperate. So he fell back on magic. Reaching out, he wrapped their men in protection, flattening the rest of the enemy army. Cries and curses rose around him as he staggered on his feet, falling back down again into blackness.

"Merlin! Merlin! Merlin!"

Groaning, he batted away the hand by his face, hands landing on hot skin. "Ar..ur, shut..._up_."

Athur's relieved laugh sounded too breathy and terrified.

"Did we win?" Merlin croaked as he opened his eyes, blinking to focus in on Arthur's dirty, bloody face.

"Well..."

Struggling into a sitting position in Arthur's lap, he looked around. "What do you mean?"

"_You_ won, Merlin. You defeated them _all_."

"Oh."

"Yes," Arthur repeated. "Oh. Can you stand?"

"Probably."

"You probably shouldn't over-extend yourself." Arthur helped him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his waist to steady him.

"Arthur," Merlin murmured.

"Right. You're...fine to stand?"

"Yes. Fine. I just...Need to get my bearings." He grabbed the saddle of the horse next to him and gave Arthur a smile.

He leaned close though and whispered fiercely. "_Don't_ do that to me again. You're going home to rest, Merlin, do you understand?"

Merlin laughed. "I'll beat you there."

"I'm. Not. Joking."

Merlin let the smile fall away. "Neither am I." And vanished. He turned around and strode down the hall in the castle towards his new rooms.

"Merlin! Is Arthur home?" Gwen saw him and rushed forward.

"No. It'll take him another two hours. I took a short-cut."

Her grow furrowed and then shot up in understand. "Magic!"

"Yes."

"I...forget."

"That's fine."

"You're always just Merlin to me." She reached out and took his hand.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," he said and smiled, patting her hand. "I'm going to have a lie down. I'm a bit exhausted." He couldn't deal with seeing her right now. And he couldn't deal with the consequences of what he'd done on the battle-field.

He woke later when the servants knocked on his door and informed him that dinner was ready and the king had requested his presence.

"Merlin!" Arthur stood as he entered, the knights jumping to their feet. "Our hero of the day!"

The look on his face must have been funny because Arthur laughed and walked over to him, guiding him to a seat at his right. "You're feeling better now?"

Merlin nodded numbly. "Ah... yes?"

"You're unsure of that?"

"No! No, I'm fine. I... just. I'm very confused."

"We'll put it down as a result of your lacking in intellect."

"And here that was supposed to be you," Merlin cracked.

"Much better. Now sit!"

He sank into the seat, tucking into the food while Arthur beamed at him, Gwen smiled graciously as always, and the knights stared at him with wonder, awe, and fear. Somewhere during the unfortunate affair, Arthur made some sort of speech, thanking him for his aid and power. The knights all applauded and Merlin made himself smile and be strong. It was just another lie. It didn't really matter.

Merlin found him in his room, spread eagle on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Eyes puffy. Shakey breathes in and out.

"Arthur?" he breathed quietly, moving across the floor.

"Does everyone know?" He asked, voice wrecked.

"Know what?"

"She's left you know."

"Gwen?"

"Yes, _Gwen_," he spat. He rolled over, his back to Merlin.

Merlin sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Arthur's shoulder. "Yes. She's left. With Lancelot."

"Shit."

"I'm sorry."

"It's hardly your fault," Arthur whispers.

_But I saw them. It was like this from the beginning. She was destined to leave. She was always going to leave. I didn't tell you..._ "I know."

Arthur's inhale shudders through him, but Merlin knew he wasn't crying. He wouldn't cry.

"Do you need anything?"

"Dismiss council for the day. We're going riding."

"After Gwen?"

"No." Arthur curled into a sitting position. "Just you and I."

Merlin nodded. "Do you want me to get the horses?"

Arthur rolled back over to glare at Merlin. "Don't be an idiot, Merlin."

"Sorry, Sire," Merlin replied with an unbothered shrug. "I figured that's what you just might need right now."

Arthur grunted and got to his feet. "As soon as we can get out of here, let's go."

"Come one then. We'll be invisible."

Arthur accepted the offered hand and followed Merlin down to the stables, taking the horses and riding out past Camelot's walls.

"You alright?" Merlin asked when they were far enough out.

"She left. With Lance." Arthur repeated flatly. "They left together. Left me."

"I know, Arthur." He stopped and dismounted, Arthur doing the same.

"Why. That's the thing, Merlin. I just don't _get_ it. Why. I could give her everything. I did. She was my queen, Merlin."

"I know."

"I did everything for her."

"She knows."

"And she still ran off with him." Arthur collapsed onto the grass, folding his arms behind his head. "Left me."

"I know."

"For him. What's so special then? What's it about him that I haven't got."

_You love me and I love you, but you needed a queen._ "I don't know. I'm sorry, Arthur."

He growled and pounded his fist against the ground. "Shit!"

Merlin plopped down on the ground next to him. "It'll be alright, Arthur. It'll be fine."

"Another thing you've _seen_, Merlin?"

"Well that was more Morgana's speciality..."

"_Mer_lin."

"Arthur, I'm just _saying_ that it'll be fine. You'll be alright."

"God, they all leave!"

"Arthur, calm down! I'm not going anywhere. Alright. I'm still here. I'm always here."

Arthur nodded. "I know. God, I know."

* * *

"Sire, where's Merlin?" one of the knights yells across the noise of battle.

"He can take care of himself," Arthur snaps, cutting down the enemy.

"I can't see him, Sire!"

"Gwaine, shut up!" He backed up against Gwaine's back, sword clanging, the jar echoing down his arm. "Shit! Where _is_ he!" Merlin really could take care of himself. He shouldn't worry about it; he'd be fine, but hell if he was going to die on his watch. "_MERLIN_!"

There was an explosion on the far side of the battlefield and then Merlin was there, fire and golden eyes and the same smile as usual. His grey hair flew wildly about his head, robes fluttering in the trail of his magic.

"Merlin!"

"Arthur!" Merlin grinned, blasting away a swath of soldiers. "Can't do without me, can you?"

Arthur scowled at him. Gwaine grinned.

Merlin called down fire and wind, decimating soldiers, and Arthur couldn't help but step back and admire him. Even as they've got on, Merlin always managed to look awe-inspiring. Merlin's grin slipped into a yell of horror, hand reaching out.

Everything slowed, but Arthur still felt himself lurch forward.

Merlin's eyes were wide and full of fury as he was suddenly next to Arthur and the world changed.

"Merlin...Merlin, what's going on?" Arthur felt drunk, and there was suddenly pain. "God, I'm hurt...aren't I...?" He recognised his own chambers as the world spun.

"Oh nothing, Arthur," Merlin breezed, rushing around the room, things flying about. "You're fine. Just a bit of a scrape is all."

"_Mer_lin...is that...is that a _lie_?" Arthur twisted on the bed where he'd been deposited, the catch in Merlin's voice beginning to scare him.

"God, I must be slipping..."

"Slipping?" Merlin's hands were on him and it hurt. Arthur swore. "Merlin, what's going on?"

"Sorry. Nothing, Arthur. Sorry sorry. You've just got...a bit of a scratch."

"Merlin, if this were just a scratch, I wouldn't be able to..._shit_..." The world exploded into stars, his back warm and throbbing. "Merlin, Merlin..."

"You'll be fine, Arthur; you'll be fine."

"I can tell, Merlin... You're lying to me."

"I am not." There was more fluttering and cleaning and muttered words and Merlin rushing around.

"Am I d-dying?" Arthur's breath stuttered, feeling old in his skin for the first time ever.

"Arthur, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." More muttered words.

"You're lying to me, Merlin... What else have you...lied to me...about."

_Everything_. "Arthur, I don't lie to you. Now hold still. And you'll be fine."

"Merlin, this is bad—getting bad... Shit..."

"Arthur? Arthur, hold on! Hold on, Arthur. Stay with me. Stay with me... Arthur...? Arthur, can you hear me?" Muttered curses, maybe more magic.

"Hear...you..." Arthur felt a little like floating. It wasn't so bad. The pain was receding. "Still here..."

"Arthur? Arthur? Arthur! ArthurArthurArthur! Arthur—"

"Sh...tup..." Arthur reached back, grabbing Merlin's hand. "S'okay..."

"Arthur, no...not yet. Not yet, Arthur. I never told—"

"S'okay... Love you..." Arthur's eyes fluttered as his grip on Merlin's hand tightened and then fell slack.

"God, Arthur..." Merlin sat back. "I...love you too. Arthur..." He bent double, fisting his hands in his hair. One lie too many. One lie too much. Too many lies. The sobs came next. Deep. Wracking. It was all over then. There weren't enough lies left to convince him that the world wasn't over.


End file.
